The season of infancy in our family is extremely difficult. I will readily admit that the first year postpartum is filled with ups and downs—mostly downs. Whether the first child or third, I find myself in ruts of emotion.
The difference between my first child and third is that I braced myself for impact. I allowed the Lord to give me a huge hug through godly women before and after the birth and recognized His mercy in that. I dug my heels in the ground of the Word immediately after birth. Through the sleep deprivation, I listened to sermons and worship music daily. But then, as I gained a little more sleep, as life began to fall into place, I felt my soul still did not. There is something still weighing me down, a battle my heart is still wrestling.
A few months ago, I would describe this as drowning—feeling the waves of life crashing over me and just as I get up for a short breath of air, another blanket of water devours me. Today, I don’t feel that. I just feel the steady treading in the deep water. We’re steady. But we’re tired. Things are not as they should be or could be but we see them on the shore in the distance.
So, the looming question is how do I take those strokes to shore with my weary arms?
Thankfully, I don’t have to go it alone. The Holy Spirit is my motor. I have to hold on to the throttle but He does all of the work. As long as I am continuing to seek Him, continuing to keep my eyes fixed on that glorious shore, continuing to take time to be in His Word I will get there. He will get me there.